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Culture Vs Faith???
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Thread: Culture Vs Faith???

  1. #1
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    Default Culture Vs Faith???

    Hello, I really would like your help and advice please.

    Following the breakdown of my marriage (now divorced with children) I met an Pakistani Muslim man at university His family have been here for n30 odd years, he was born here. We did wrong (I really know that we did) and had a relationship and then a baby. We couldnt marry as i was separated from my husband but my divorce wasnt finalised - although we spoke about marriage many times. Due to my situation and his family it was not at the forethought of his thoughts i guess. Such a complex situation.
    He has since left me saying different things from one week to the next. Parents, family, my children and too much responsibility. So now I care for my new child and have reverted (I wanted too and to give her good upbringing in the faith of her father)
    He sees his baby speradically, for a few hours every other week in a coffee shop.

    However he then wanted to see her alone and take her to his one brothers home. This would be a two hour drive away, each way.
    I have always said he can see the baby at my home whilst i work so that the baby is in the comfort of her own home with fimiliar smells, sounds and routine and of course i would be there if need be.
    I cant gift wrap it any more for him but worry as to the fact that because i have said no, she is to remain in her home, he is now considering legal action!!!!
    I really wish that he has a relationship with his daughter but as her father, and husband, not a dad. The way Islam guides as a parent when we are blessed with a child.

    Maybe it will not get to that as his parents have never seen her and told him to have nothing to do with me (Cultural) I cant understand why they go against everything that Islam teaches regarding parenting and responsibility! Culture V's Faith!!! I took our daughter to the family home when she was just weeks old to see if actually seeing her would change their minds - and seeing me too. However i was told to leave by his mother, that I had led her son astray!! SO NOT the case. I have been so dignified and respectful to him and his family and have been treated so unfairly in return.

    There are so many things that I have now learnt that he should have known as a muslim man - NOT to have started this in the first place for one, NEVER to be alone with me - the list goes on.

    I am trying to do the best for my daughter and took her to see the Imam who said prayers for us. This was really important to me and the Imam is being very supportive. He cant understand why the brother is behaving like this - he is now a father himself!!

    I have had no contact with her father now for about three or four weeks since he said he would go to solicitors to get to see our daughter and that I shouldnt contact him. I have NEVER said that he cant see her, only that it should be in her own home.
    I am devastated as I gave this man my heart and soul and we shared so much. We talked for hours of us and our life going forwards - complicated though it would be - Allah would reward us for doing the right thing??

    Please advice is really appreciated. Our baby is only just approaching 6 mnths and my divorce will be finalised in two weeks now. My father passed away so he cant go to the family for me and on my behalf. I fear anyone else will be as humiliated as i was. His family are practicing.
    Thank you

  2. #2
    Loyal Member Evil_Genious's Avatar
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    I don't want to comment on any religious aspect and I won't venture into any of the invocations or moral perspectives from your post.

    What I would say is, given the situation; your or the father of the child's relationship comes second to what is best for your daughter. You and he have already made your choices and regardless of how you or he feels about it - i.e. feeling of wrongdoing or limitation of 'rights' be it religious or lawful - neither of you are or will be the victim of this but your daughter.

    Your repentance is your personal voyage but I would allow the court to take the appropriate decision on behalf of your daughter. For if any ill were to come off another one of yours/his decisions, then I've got a feeling neither will take responsibility. So, allow proper social service control - you will both remain parents, but your child will benefit from the protection regardless of whether she is with you or the father.

    You, should seek advice from your local 'One Stop Shop' (your local council) the advice will be free. Nobody on this forum will be able to help you on this forum without mixing advice with judgement as I have done here. Ultimately, you must protect your daughter from the decisions you haven't made yet.
    Last edited by Evil_Genious; 27-02-2011 at 19:37.

    "I'll let you break me off, but I won't let you break my heart"

  3. #3
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    Yes i agree our daughters needs come first and formost.
    I really dont need any social services intervention, thank you anyway. No issues there. My post was submitted to ask for advice regarding his role as her father, his family and how the choice HE has made impacts on our daughters life.......ang my life. In order to protect the honour of his family he has sacreficed his own daughter and the relationship we had for some time.
    All girls need their parents to be good people, sound of moral and to do the right thing? Surely better to be with his daughter and stand firm that we did this together and not run away to his parents?
    Last edited by semper; 27-02-2011 at 20:18.

  4. #4
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    From a religious perspective it is not necessary for you to be with the father. I'm sure you're capable enough to bring her up as you have other children as well.

    You are right in some of the things you said about him knowing about the religion and keeping away etc etc but what's done is done now. As long as you repent sincerely Inshallah you will be forgiven.

    Have a think about it though, is it really good for your daughter if her parents are together just for the sake of it? Just for her? What I mean is that you can't force a relationship on anyone and there's no point being together if you don't really want to be with each other.

    I always thought the mother has more rights over the child as long as she is capable of looking after her? Don't worry about your child being taken away I don't think that will happen. Just have a proper talk with him and explain it's not ideal for the baby to travel long distances but as she grows he can see her for longer. He's gota understand for his childs sake.

    As for his family, it is probably just a huge shock for them. Practicing or not it would be a huge shock for anyone who has a strong cultural background. They probably did react harshly when they asked you to leave but give it a bit of time. Hopefully once they've calmed down and come to grips with what has happened they will begin to accept it. They can't deny their grandchild forever, I don't think anyone can.

    All I can say is for the time being just sit tight, keep patient and keep praying.

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